im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
this is an emotional support booty call
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
