Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
