By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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