It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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