i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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