I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
