i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
