I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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