were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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