I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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