i wish starbucks made bloody marys
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
