I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
