I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
