So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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