i was rollin on her like bob the builder
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
