Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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