I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
