You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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