I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
