He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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