so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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