Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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