i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
