I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
