So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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