Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
