I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
