I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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