I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
