its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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