There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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