So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
