my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
