The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
