You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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