I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
someone owes me an orgasm
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
