my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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