Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
