i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
