Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
COCAINE IS GR8
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
