I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
