I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You ruined the universe
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
