did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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