Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
