i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
