Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
