idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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