I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
