I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
