Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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