you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
