Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
