sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
my poor anus
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
