I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
